My client, a Florida family, was struggling with several home health aides assigned to care for their terminally ill father. In what was becoming a toxic situation, the family and aides had a number of difficulties in communicating and relating to each other. Unable or unwilling to find common ground on even simple issues, the parties drifted further apart, fueled by distrust, anxiety, and frustration.

Although a small case in scope, the lessons learned should resonate with everyone, both in and out of the workplace. Transferring a loved one to hospice is a difficult, emotionally draining decision. Respectful, high quality care for the patient in his or her final days is key, and it is imperative to trust the caregivers.

When I arrived, I felt that I could cut the tension with a knife. Negativity was making the already difficult situation worse. My clients were a brother and sister; the brother is unmarried, with no children, and self-employed, and the sister is married, with two children, with deep corporate experience. The aides, newly adopted to America, hail from various cultural backgrounds outside of the U.S. They were clearly competent and their collective experience spoke for itself. However, they were on edge, peppered with constant questions and doubts about their skills and methods of care from my clients. They were ready to walk.

Lengthy silences ensued among all. When the siblings or aides did speak, consumed with emotion, were unclear, contradictory, and accusatory, which didn’t help matters. Trust had eroded. Although they shared the same purpose – providing quality care for the patient – each party, particularly the family, considered only one point of view. My job was to redirect my client’s focus on the big picture and what lie at the core of commonality — their father’s wellbeing — and the need for effective collaboration.

The siblings needed reassurance that, not only are the aides qualified to care for their father, they need to allow these caregivers to do their jobs without micromanaging or criticizing their efforts. For the brother, it meant accepting that there are things you cannot accomplish alone; for the sister, it meant accepting that some situations cannot be handled as they are at work. While it is acceptable to ask questions and make requests, they should do so thoughtfully and respectfully. The aides needed to be reminded that, while they are all too familiar with hospice care, the family is new to the situation. Rather than view requests and questions as attacks, the aides should exercise patience.

The role of Emotional Intelligence in reframing one’s perspective is critical to foster effective communication and collaboration. Listen. Consider. Empathize. Engage. In this case, both the siblings and aides need to establish and maintain a healthy working relationship. They can achieve this by understanding that different perspectives not only affect our actions, they impact our tone of voice, expressions and mannerisms. Cultural, social and gender differences play a significant role in how we interact; what one person sees as negative may simply be a personal quirk or cultural norm for another.

The aides and client now communicate effectively, and words, looks, and vocal tones are not taken personally or negative. The aides understand the family’s vulnerability, consider questions and suggestions not as annoyances, but as efforts to assist their father. The clients learned to trust and appreciate the caregivers’ experience, and have tried to build better relationships via thoughtful conversations and exchange of ideas. Ultimately, the greatest achievement is peace of mind and increased comfort for the patient, who no longer is exposed to conflict and is now the focus of everyone’s efforts.